So, my “get fit and healthy and be AWESOME” blog took a nosedive because I was struggling with anxiety over what I was posting and who was reading it and what they would think, and also my performance at the dojo, my perception of myself and how I was feeling, physically and emotionally… and I completely lost myself in the process. I gained weight instead of losing it, I had so many injuries and nagging physical things like shin splints, shooting pains through my joints, constant headaches from grinding my teeth (which also led to severe damage to my teeth) and everytime I tried to fix one thing, something else came along. Got Orthotics for the shin splints, so naturally my hands started to hurt in the morning. I started a new yoga program – more on that later – and my knees and my hips started to hurt because I was trying to move them. I felt – and still feel – like I’m never going to feel “good”. I take painkillers waaaaay more than I should because sometimes I’ll be walking down the street and suddenly things just hurt. Suddenly I can’t step on part of my foot and have to limp until I get where I’m going, then it mysteriously vanishes. Random, unexplainable pain. How do you explain to people that things hurt for no reason, and then they suddenly don’t? I feel like people would think I was making excuses or lying or trying to get attention. Instead of dealing with that by going to a doctor and getting a diagnosis, I just pretended everything was fine.

this is fine

So, I let myself slip into an unhealthy cycle of food as a coping mechanism and feeling guilty because of what I was eating. (To an extent, I never feel *that* bad about what I eat.)  This led to weight gain and further internal pressure to do something about it, and that if I started trying to be healthy, then I would feel better and then I wouldn’t feel so awful about everything while trying to pretend I’m fine, and thinking “is this what it is to be an adult? Does everyone feel like this on the inside and then smile through it to trick people into thinking they’re okay? Is this all there is?”

depression

I should mention that I’ve always been depressed. It’s always been there, alongside the anxiety like inseparable twins, and I just never recognized it for what it was. It was the badness I would feel encircling me, and I would push it back, small hands holding back a tidal wave, but it was always, always there. And sometime last year, it pushed too close and latched on, dragging me inside. I was prescribed medication for anxiety but it was so strong that I couldn’t function normally. I was so tired all the time that I didn’t care about anything. It’s hard to feel anxious about things when you’re about to lapse into a coma. It’s hard to feel anything. So I didn’t take it. I went to one counseling session and it was great, but I would have had to call for a 2nd appointment and I didn’t. I don’t know why making appointments for myself is so hard, but that last appointment is almost a year ago and now I feel guilty for not calling. What will the counselor think? Probably that I’m a waste of oxygen, lamenting about how hard my life is when it’s so much better than others and besides, she gave me a ridiculous assignment to come up with 5 things I like about myself and everytime I think about it, I feel like such an idiot. Of course I like things about myself. I feel like I’m placating myself to actually write down 5 things I like about myself, and coming up with 5 specific things just shoved me into a pit-trap of sharp sticks and self-loathing where I was like “I’m pretty smart, I think.” and my brain went “NO YOU AREN’T, YOU’RE SO STUPID, DON’T YOU REMEMBER-” and then a memory-parade of all my stupid moments traipses through my brain until I’m ready to fucking shoot myself to make it stop. So I didn’t make the list. I started identifying that voice in my brain, though. And I started trying to combat it, because I learned from that experience or I wasn’t totally wrong about that, and no one else thought that about me at the time, probably, until my brain feels like this:

harry-potter-vs-voldemort

Which is not particularly restful. I have to battle myself before I can battle the rest of the world, so while it’s hard for people to get up and go running, I have a stream of evilness going through my head like: peoplewillthinkyou’refat/ifyourunonconcreteit’llmakeyourshinsplintsworse/peoplewillcallyoufat/ifyouleaveyourstuffnearthetrackit’llgetstolen/youneedarunningmatebutnoonewantstorunwithyou/noonewantstobeyourfriend/noonerespectsyou/everyonethinksyou’refat/there’snopointtothis/you’regoingtogethurt/youcan’tdothis/you’reweak/peoplewilllaughwhentheyseeyou…

And on and on and on. Since I like the Harry Potter books, I’ve started thinking about it like it’s a Horcrux talking to me, and it’s just trying to scare me because if I do the thing I’m trying to do, it’ll weaken it and it’s trying to save itself. And that kind of thinking, in case you’re wondering, is a little bit crazy. I am aware. And so while I do actually slog through all that negativity and do the thing and feel good afterward, it’s only once in a while that I win the battle and get through whatever I was trying to do. And I tell Mr. Grumpiface I did the thing and he gives me a high-five and says that’s awesome, but he doesn’t know half the battle I had to fight. How could anyone know what goes on in my brain? Even I barely understand myself and I’ve got a front-row seat to the crazy parade.

my brain hurts

So, I hope that sums up my prolonged absence and explains my current status, and why, at 31 years old, I’m starting all over again to get control of my life and reach some measure of peace and maybe even happiness. But today, I’m going out for a belated-birthday dinner & movie with Mr. Grumpiface. And all this stuff can wait for me to worry about tomorrow.

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