When I was a kid, I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the 1992 movie, not the TV show) and became obsessed with it. It was my favourite movie. Every time we rented movies, that was my pick, and because I was the youngest, we always watched my movie first (because I had to go to bed earliest). My mother got so sick of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that she told me I couldn’t rent it anymore, and convinced me to rent this other movie instead. Little did she know that this would spawn years of me being obsessed with these new movies, and I don’t think she had any idea how they would shape my personality… though I think she already knew that she had a weird, obsessive, violent little ragemonster that masqueraded as a cute little kid. But I digress. At 9 years old (ish, I don’t really remember but it sounds right) she got me to watch Rocky.
People who have only known me as an adult are all probably going “ohhhh, that’s why she’s like that…” And I know. I know.
Anyway, that expanded into a whole Stallone-obsession and I remember being in film class in high school where we watched Rocky and I already knew everything the teacher was telling us about the movie, and refrained from adding the things he missed because I didn’t want everyone to know that I had such terrible taste. (I did that with the first LOTR movie though, because my obsessive personality moved on to fantasy as a teen and never came back.) So, that’s one of my secrets that I try to keep people from finding out. Most girls my age were into Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and me? I was into Stallone. I didn’t relate to other kids very well and even my friends thought I was extremely weird, because I was and still am. But sometimes, we get lost trying to figure out who we are and what we’re doing, and spend a lot of time being miserable because we turned into someone we never wanted to be. I wanted to be a fighter, and I got so bogged down with worrying about what everyone else thought that I never tried to learn the things I wanted to learn. I don’t know why I was too scared to take martial arts classes when I moved down here, either people didn’t know me, or they already thought I was a weird, obsessive person anyway. It wouldn’t have changed anything. But when I finally did get the courage to take martial arts, I still held myself back from trying as hard as I could have and didn’t push myself to train. I stopped wanting it and wanted to be lazy and sit on the couch instead. I have learned that I have had issues with depression since I was a kid and didn’t realize that was what it was. And I found something that works, something inside that I forgot about and that I can use to push myself off the couch and get to the gym.
That’s right. I put the soundtracks on my phone, I’m watching all the movies again, and it works. I went back to the beginning, to when I wanted to be better and had energy, and I wasn’t so stressed and anxious all the time. That weird, obsessive, violent kid is still me, and that kid has the energy to go run with shin splints and push through the pain, or go to the gym and lift some weights (I learned weight lifting from Chyna Fitness, which was honestly the best in-home workout I’ve ever done.) If I want to do something, I find a way to link it in my brain to something I loved as a kid, like doing DDP Yoga or going on a training diet.Though, I’m still not ever going to do this:
But I’m training again. I’m down 5 lbs and have many more to go. I’m running and going to the gym 4-5 days a week. Child Me says we can do this, and Adult Me says my shins hurt, and is getting orthotics. Child Me can push us, and Adult Me can make sure we don’t die. Adult Me is tired, and Child Me is ready for a fight. So go ahead, find the thing you obsessed over as a kid and find a way to run with it to where you want to go, whatever your victory is.