I stopped writing on here because I used to use this as a way to vent frustration about work, but now I’m actually worried that work people will find my blog and not be pleased. I am not worried about losing my job, but I’d rather not take the chance. Work is going fairly well, I like my job and would like to keep it. Work = paycheque, paycheque = tea, tea = life.
Plus, you know, it’s hard to write what I really think about people when they might read this because I put it on the internet and then we’ll have a big fight and there will be blood and I’ll get arrested and there will be no more tea. I’m pretty sure they won’t give you the good stuff in prison. (Can you order David’s Tea online to prison?) Anyway, that seems like an unfavourable conclusion. Though, I’m told that everything I think shows up on my face, so it’s not like I’m Sergent Subtlety to begin with. Mr. Grumpiface actually describes me as “subtle like a sledgehammer”, and it is alarmingly accurate. Do not drop hints. I will not get them.
So! What’s new in my world? Well, I promoted to Apprentice belt and then to no one’s surprise, I seriously injured myself by slipping on the skytrain platform whilst running for a train and sprained my right knee. I had been going running with my friend Mr. Cheeriface and was feeling over-confident in my ability to move my limbs without hurting myself, and promptly discovered how very flawed that assumption was. It was funny though, because I did manage to catch the train because managed to angle my fall so I fell INTO the train. Then I laid on the floor for a while trying to breathe through the pain while people stared at me like I just erupted out of the floor like a vicious land-shark. Thanks, guys. Totally fine here. I don’t need help. Or the handicapped seat. (Seriously, if you don’t give up the handicapped seat after you just watched someone handicap themselves, you are a fucking bag of dicks. End of story.) No, no, I’ll just lie here on the floor and gasp like a beached water-shark (since we’re doing sharks today) that is exactly what I had planned on doing today. Sometimes I understand why people put bombs on public transit. People are dicks.
Anyway, the fall was bad enough that when I finally managed to get up, I was in so much pain that I didn’t really realize how much pain I was in. So, when I tried to get off the train to go to work, I was basically doing this pathetic little penguin shuffle through the station and up to the office that turned a four minute walk into a fifteen minute torture spectacle-obstacle course, where the obstacles are innocent-looking things like stairs and doors, but when you reach them THEY WOUND YOU. It was awful. After all that, I wasn’t really thinking yet, so I got all the way to the office before the thought occurred to me that this would’ve been a really great reason NOT to go to work. Like, this was a really great reason to go to the motherfucking hospital. And I should have turned around and gotten Mr. Grumpiface to take me to the hospital right away, instead of waiting an hour before realizing that my knee was swelling up. Also that gravity has been remarkably antagonistic toward me lately. When my boss arrived, I told him what happened and he offered to drive me to the hospital in his swanky new Jaguar. It was so smoooooth but that’s all I remember because bouncing up and down would’ve hurt, so I was really grateful that it was such a smooth ride for the like 3 blocks it took to get to the hospital.
So, anyway, the doctor took x-rays and said it wasn’t torn or broken, but that I wouldn’t be able to train for at least a month – no running, no martial arts, and definitely no more falling over. So, I took the time off and didn’t train, and then I came back, like two weeks ago. And Jesus McFuckbuckets, it was really, really awful. I suck at sparring, and this teenager I was fighting punched me in the boob really hard, and I actually couldn’t remember my combos – you know those things that I’ve been doing repetitively for like the last… six to eight months or so? Yeah, I couldn’t remember them. Apparently I lose things very quickly. I did forms in my last Saturday class, and it came back pretty quickly. It helped that the instructor gave us a run-through first. It didn’t help that I was reduced to tears (me! tears! WTF?) by the run because apparently my legs just can’t handle running on things that aren’t just a little bit squishy. We run in the parking garage, and I limped all the way through it. Was barely even winded, so at least my cardio training is improving with the running, but MY FUCKING LEGS DON’T WORK. So, next step is to make a doctor’s appointment to send my body back to the lab for refurbishment because it’s defective.
So, yeah. What else is new? I’m frustrated and I don’t want to do things anymore. Is this being an adult? Even things that I want to do are depressing because it’s having to spend money, or get up early, or talk to people. I decided a year ago that I wanted to be more social. Now I’ve decided that I want to renew my WoW subscription and spend the entire weekend cocooned on the couch and leave my phone turned off. I am jealous that Francis has 3 jobs: eat, sleep & poop. I feel like those are things that I could be responsible for. I could even add in soaking my water dish, even though my derpy snake has only ever done that once in his entire life because he doesn’t seem to know how to snake. Also climbing things and falling off them. I got up to check on him twice the other night because he was making noise in his tank and I was assaulted by the anxiety fairy and couldn’t go to sleep until I was convinced he had not accidentally killed himself (it sounded like he’d managed to knock his log over to pin himself against the glass, and he’d just eaten, so I was afraid he had broken ribs and punctured lungs and was bleeding internally, because that’s what happens when you have anxiety problems, so I had to check on him. Twice. Just to make sure. And he was fine. He didn’t knock over his log. He just fell off of it. Again.) Yeah, I’ll talk to the doctor about the anxiety problems too. Not being able to sleep because you’re worried that you won’t get enough sleep before you have to get up for work is SUPER FUCKING FUN. Trying to figure out if stress is causing your various issues or if your various issues are causing your stress, because that’s a fun little loop you’ll never escape from. Constantly worrying that people don’t like you or are laughing at you, or that you offended that person with that comment like 3 months ago, because why the fuck would you say that? GOD, it’s like I’m fucking autistic or something. Wait, THAT was offensive too!
In case you were wondering, a) no, I know it doesn’t make sense to do this to myself, and b) don’t you think I would stop if I could? and c) yes, I should have gone to see a doctor about this when it started getting bad like last summer, but FUNNY THING when you have anxiety problems about dealing with things like an adult, it makes it very hard for you to deal with things like an adult. For me, when my health problems started, I had 2 really awful doctors. I was having problems digesting food like a human (which continues to be a problem) and when I saw a doctor about it, he told me to just deal with it. I went off dairy a few years later and things got a lot better, but it didn’t go away. I also had migraines when I woke up and first doctor was like “here’s all the T3s, take them and leave me alone” and the second doctor was like “T3s? YOU’RE AN ADDICT! Why would you want painkillers for unexplained pain (which I am making no effort whatsoever to try to figure out) in the control centre of your body? ADDICT! GO AWAY!” I later figured out that the headaches were from grinding my teeth at night, so I have to position my pillows carefully so I don’t do that anymore. But both issues are caused by anxiety, which I can’t talk to a doctor about because doctors can’t be trusted to try to help, they just yell at you and tell you it’s your fault.
Anyway. Yeah. Things. Stuff. Bye.