I’m not vegan, but I can’t have whey powder because it’s made from milk. So, I use Vega products because they are hemp-based, and that’s supposed to be better for you anyway. I’ve been using (damn, it sounds like I’m talking about drugs, but I’m not. Drugs would probably taste better.) Vega hemp protein shakes for about 10 months? Maybe a year now. And while it tastes better than other hemp products, that’s not saying a lot because other hemp products taste like plant food. Maaaaybe pet food. The kind pets don’t like.

Anyway, it seems to work alright. So, I bought this stuff:

ImageThat’s NOT a bag of chips back there. It’s something that looks… similar. Honest.

And I was rather skeptical because I generally assume that anything that says it will make me more energetic is being hopelessly – and rather sadly – optimistic. Not for long periods of time, mind you, just for about an hour or so. You’re supposed to take it 20 minutes before exercise, so I decided to try it before class yesterday.

I’ve found with Vega products that you really, really need to blend them because all the stuff settles at the bottom, so you have 3/4 of a cup of murky, fake-chocolatey-tasting water and then the last 1/4 of the cup is full of what I suspect is actually sand. Even after blending, you have to keep shaking it or it’ll all settle on the bottom. So, I end up drinking mine with a straw so it kind of sucks up the grainy crap all the way through. (You can’t try to drink all the grainy crap at once, you’ll throw up. Okay, I threw up. I don’t recommend it.) So, since I’m a ten-year-old, I require my water bottles to be themed, so this is what I drink my protein shake out of:

ImageSo, anyway! The energy-promising liar-thing! I was a little bit hesitant about taking it because I figured that it would be gross. I’ve tried a bunch of their products, which were pretty much awful, and I didn’t think this one would be different. (Stay away from the gels, they taste like regurgitated tropical punch. Pretty sure I threw that up, too.) So, I figured that if I tried to just mix this stuff with a spoon, it would just settle on the bottle and taste like ass. So, I blended it for a while because it had something that looked like seeds in it. I am still not really sure if blending it was the best idea, because this happened:


It created a layer of foam on top of what looked like alligator urine… and then the foam sort of hardened into an exoskeleton… And you can actually see that, in the time it took me to take this picture, the stuff is already separating. So, I poured it into my BATMAN thermos so that I didn’t have to look at it while I was drinking it, which helped a lot. (And because you can keep shaking it up again.) And the first sip wasn’t too bad, until the aftertaste hit and I had the absurd feeling like an orange had just farted in my mouth. I started making “PLAH. PLAHHHH GET OUT OF MY MOUTH” noises and Mr. Grumpiface started laughing at me because he’s a sympathetic fucker. So I added a fuckton of lemon juice to hide the aftertaste, which worked rather well. So, to complete my review, this stuff is kind of gross but if you add a bunch of lemon juice and don’t look at it, it’s okay. I didn’t notice if it gave me any extra energy, though. Maybe it just made me less tired? I don’t know. I’ll keep using it and see if it’s maybe a cumulative effect.

Or, maybe the execs that market this stuff are sitting there laughing their faces off because people actually pay a lot of money to drink alligator urine.