So, the AnxietyFairy has visited me sometime over the last few weeks and for some reason, I have been stressing HARD about shit that doesn’t really matter. I have been freaking out and constantly near tears for no fucking reason. I wrote a whole entry on how I was feeling and couldn’t bring myself to post it because it was basically a long, non-sensical whine about how I feel like I have no friends and nobody likes me, even though I know it is not true. I actually have more friends now than I’ve ever had in my life, I’ve got a pretty chill job, an easy commute, martial arts to keep me busy and I can go out dancing whenever I want. And yet, I have some little demon in my head, constantly belittling me and making me feel terrible about myself and everything else.
*Okay, seriously. I just tried to find a picture to accompany the little demon metaphor, and found various websites for exorcism and that sort of thing, by people who believe that shit. I’m just going to go “wowwww, guys.” and move on.
The only thing that is causing me legitimate concern is that I have injured a muscle in my leg and everytime I take martial arts class, I re-injure it, even just a little bit, so it has been injured since early February and won’t fucking heal. So I have to take some time off and let it heal, but I don’t want to take time off because I just promoted to the advanced class and I don’t want to get behind on classes so soon in the term… And I’m going to be learning new things, and I don’t want to be behind in learning them. Injuries are stupid and annoying. Mr Grumpiface and I watched the videos of our belt promotion rather exhaustively (Thanks for taping them, Mr. Lau!) and we have identified the cause of the injury, which is that I don’t turn my supporting foot all the way when I do round kicks and turning kicks. As a result, I throw my considerable weight into a kick with my lower leg pointed the wrong way, and so naturally, it strains the muscles in my supporting leg. Now that I am aware of the issue, I am working with Mr. Grumpiface to make sure I stop DOING that, so I don’t hurt my leg any further. I remember distinctly the day I hurt it, so that makes it about 8 weeks old now… which isn’t very cool.
I remember the day because I was angry and kicking a wave bag to work out some aggression after watching Bill Nye debate a creationist. For people who don’t understand my rage on this, I will state simply that Christianity is a religion, and therefore should be taught at church and private Christian schools. There are laws against religion in public schools because of that whole “right to choose your own religion or no religion” thing. I’m an atheist, and the thought of being taught creationism (which requires you to believe in God, and I don’t) as a science (when it’s NOT a science) is so infuriating that I can’t even articulate how angry it makes me. It’s ridiculous, it’s not legal, and it takes away from actual science, which is discovering some pretty cool stuff right now. I could go on about this, but there are lots of atheist pages out there who have probably made all the same arguments I would make here. Anyway, rage about the debate = leg injury.
Anyway, it’s my birthday on Sunday, and the party is on Friday. So, I have a list of things I need to do, buy and make before then, and I’m pretty sure I’m driving Mr. Grumpiface nuts, because I’m like:
When he has a full time job, plus a part time job at the dojo and classes of his own to keep up with. So, I feel really bad, asking him to do all this stuff because it’s my party that I’m preparing for, and that I’m bugging people until they agree to come over and validate my existence by eating tasty chocolate birthday cake and demanding they love me. It’s all very weird. I want to see my friends and I wish I could see them all more often, instead of just birthdays and holidays, but the imp in my head is making me feel really bad for insisting that my friends associate with me, and I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON ANYMORE.
This has happened repeatedly around my birthday, I’m not sure why. I get really depressed beforehand and feel like everything is terrible, so… the middle of March is my self-inflicted pit of despair for no fucking reason. Stupid AnxietyFairy. Why can’t you take AWAY the anxiety instead of making it worse?