New Year's Resolutions

I know people don’t want to read ANYTHING more about people’s resolutions. Half of them are making resolutions they’re probably not going to keep, then there’s about a quarter making joke resolutions (“This year, I’ll drink nothing but beer and eat Doritos.” So that you can have the intestinal consistency of a garden hose. Good. Fucking. Luck.) and the last quarter is making a big deal about not making resolutions. So, I’m not going to tell you about what I have planned for the year, because it’s much more interesting to talk about other people. See, people look at the beginning of a new year as a way to start fresh, to make the changes they’ve been unable to make so far. But for me, the new year is no different from the previous year. The year is a way to keep track of time, but it’s not like we get to hit the reset button each time the calendar turns. Waiting for a new year to do something or change something is like waiting for the apocalypse to get in shape. It’s another way to procrastinate and say that you’ll do it in the new year, which you probably won’t.


But sometimes people do it. Sometimes people make the changes they say they’re going to make. Sometimes when people stand up and say “this year will be different!” they make it happen. They really do change things, improve their lives and be the people they want to be. What I’m saying is that you don’t need to wait for an arbitrary passage of time to make these changes. You can start anytime you want. So, you could’ve started last September, or you can start next Tuesday. Doesn’t matter. But, it depends entirely on the type of resolutions you make. If you’re making one-off resolutions (“I’m going to have group sex with a herd of goats!” – that’s not going to be a one-off, once you go goat, you never-errrm. I mean, that’s TOTALLY going to be a one-off because you’re supposed to get arrested for that. You know, if the police aren’t too busy trying to stop people from downloading movies.) then you do it, you’re done and you don’t have to think about it again. You can accomplish it, feel great about yourself, and enjoy going back to everything you were doing last year, but with a new tattoo, or a hankering for some goat-booty.

Aug-8-goat-eats-at-KLO-Orchards-300x225THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

But most people make long term goals, like lifestyle changes. “I’m going to work out more!”, or “I’m going to eat better!” and my favourite “I’m going to spend more time with friends AND be on a diet!” Here are a few pieces of wisdom that Mr. Grumpiface and I have learned the hard way:
1) When it comes to being on a diet, seeing people who aren’t on the same diet SUCKS. You know why? Because social time is eating time. And they eat food that tastes good and isn’t the same consistency as a popular packing material. This causes you to feel a virulent fucking hatred for these people and then you don’t want to see your twatasaurus friends anymore.
2) Little mistakes will cause your entire diet/workout plan to fail. If you don’t plan ahead, get lots of sleep and generally avoid fun at all costs, you won’t achieve your diet/exercise goals. You know why? Because dieting and exercising requires you to plan ahead. Now me, I either plan something down to a minute detail, or I just sort of go “fuck it, I’ll do it tomorrow.” And then it takes me five or six days to finally do it. By then, I have to start over, plan down to the minute detail and cry into my pillow, or my dinner (they might have been interchangeable at times) that my life has become THIS HELL. So, if you don’t plan ahead, you won’t get anywhere.
3) You start going to the gym in the mornings and go “Fuck yeah! I’m awesome!” and then when you realize that you have to do it more than once, you start to die inside. You’ll be looking out at the pouring rain when it’s still fucking dark out in the morning and think “Why? Why am I doing this?” Aaaaaaand you’ll stop. Then you’ll get it together, you’ll make all the plans from fucking #2, and you’ll go back to the gym. Aaaaaand then you’ll stop. For both diet and exercise, it’s not STARTING that’s hard. It’s restarting, again and again and again. THAT’S where you start to see progress… if, you know, you’re on a diet and workout program that’s right for you, and if you don’t know what that is, then… I don’t know. Fucking google it.
4) Having a workout/diet buddy is essential, and it will kill you inside when they make more progress than you. You will be so unbe-fucking-lievably resentful and angry that it will either make you try harder, make you stick to your diet and exercise and make a tiny bit of progress yourself, orrrrr… you’ll do what I do, and cheat on your diet because it’s not like it was fucking working anyway, and then you feel like you got something the other person didn’t, as you slurp happily on your can of coke and hate yourself. Now, they tell you that everyone is  different, and that’s true. Mr. Grumpiface drops weight relatively easily when he puts all his effort and all his energy into dieting and exercising. I don’t. But when Mr. Grumpiface doesn’t diet or exercise, he gains weight very quickly. I don’t. So, I don’t feel too bad about slurping a coke and hating myself, which leads me to…
5) Hating yourself is almost as paralyzing as loving yourself. You need a balance between loving and hating yourself, because if you love yourself too much, you won’t bother changing, and if you hate yourself too much, you think you needn’t bother changing because you’re already too fucked up to fix. So, make a list of ten five things you love about yourself, and restrict yourself to five things you hate about yourself, and try not to dwell on it any further. That way, you have your goals, and you have the will to change. Both are equally important.

So, this is how you’re going to feel:


And it’s going to fucking suuuuuuuuuuuck. But, when you eventually realize that you are, in fact, getting to where you wanted to go, all those mornings where you wanted to murder your closest friend or lover with a pair of garden shears and some string were worth it. You’ll feel like a bloody hero.

I am Heroic Kate. I started a quest in July that I’ve struggled with, had setbacks and fought against my villain, Mr. Grumpiface, and now, I am 15 lbs lighter, MUCH stronger, my pants fit better, some skirts are now TOO BIG, and I feel BETTER. I’m still on my quest, so come be Heroic with me!