So, I’m sure everyone’s heard about the two kids who were strangled to death by an illegal African python. I’ve heard about it repeatedly, because almost everyone who knows I have a snake has assumed that my snake is now going to kill me in my sleep.


This is ridiculous on MANY levels, which I will enumerate for you:

1) Francis is a ball python, not an African Rock python. That means he’s MAYBE 3.5 feet long, not FOURTEEN. Much easier to deal with. He is simply not strong enough to strangle me.
2) Francis is kind of a ‘fraidy cat. When I come into the bedroom to go to bed, he usually hides in his house because having someone breathe near him makes him nervous.
3) Most importantly, I have clipped the lid down so securely that he will NEVER get out if I don’t let him. I can hear him right now. He stretches all the way to the top of the tank, pokes the mesh with his nose, and then falls over. He does this over, and over, and over, in spite of the fact that the lid is heavy enough that I don’t think he could lift it even if it wasn’t secured.


This is not Francis. This is a picture from teh interwebz, because I’m too lazy to find a good picture of Francis, and most ball pythons look the same anyway.

So, to re-emphasize my point, in order for Francis to be able to actually kill me, he would first have to drug me into a coma so that when he tries to strangle me, I don’t wake up and remove him.  In fact, he’d probably have to smother me to death with chloroform to kill me, which I understand is difficult for snakes to procure.

So, for everyone who has been hating on snakes about this incident, I would like to remind you that SNAKES DO NOT HAVE HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTION. They don’t know right from wrong. They don’t understand that the lid is STILL CLOSED EVERY TIME THEY POKE IT. They act on instinct alone, and sometimes instinct says “kill it, before it kills you.” Big snakes are scary because they are dangerous. Dangerous snakes are illegal FOR A GOOD REASON. So, don’t blame the snake. Blame the stupid people who brought it into the country and then didn’t take proper precautions. And for the record, I do not understand the point of having a large and/or dangerous snake. I see pictures like this:


and I say things like “HOLY FUCK! THAT SNAKE IS EATING A GODDAMN DEER! WHO WAS THE IDIOT WHO BROUGHT THIS INTO THE COUNTRY???” You know why? Because something this big shouldn’t be around things as squishy as us! THESE ARE NOT PETS. To me, this is the same thing as trying to keep a grizzly bear as a pet, which is an incredibly stupid idea, you complete fucktard.

So, for all the people who don’t understand why I keep Francis… the answer is REASONS, okay?

1) He’s cuddly, but he doesn’t slobber, shed hair, bark, bite, scratch or fart.
2) He doesn’t cost me very much. $10 per month for a rat.
3) He doesn’t poop very often, and it’s easy to clean up.
4) Except when he falls over in his tank, he doesn’t make very much noise.
5) He very rarely tries to get my attention by being annoying, and when he does, he’s very easy to ignore.

Francis bit his old owner ONCE, and it was an accident. My boss’ dog, which is a psychotic little shit-for-brains yappy fucking quadruped, has bitten far more people than that, and no one is afraid of him, even though they maybe should be because he’s an uncontrollable little asshole that chews everything, barks randomly and bites everyone he’s afraid of. (because that’s a great fucking idea – that thing is scary, let’s bite it and make it mad!) I make no secret of the fact that I completely loathe this stupid animal, as you can probably tell. He tried to bite me once, I tried to break his neck. We are not friends.

Anyway. Comparatively, there are far more dog attacks than snake attacks, because dogs are more prevalent in society than snakes, and they are significantly less docile, but people still like dogs. So, don’t hate snakes for being what they are. Hate people for being careless idiots, because we are capable of more, and they are not.