I had an interesting conversation with a lady at my dojo about this once – she said that everyone goes through stuff that makes them think about it, and we shouldn’t judge. I felt bad, because I’d made it sound like I wanted all suicidal people to die. I don’t. I’ve had those thoughts myself, while going through a rough time. And I understand.
What I should have said is that there is one person I know that is suicidal, and I WANT HER TO DIE. But it has nothing to do with her being suicidal. It is because she has been a world-class bitch to me since the day we met, and has never gotten better. She is an expert at everything and I’m wrong about everything. ALL. THE. TIME.
She is an expert on relationships, even though she’s divorced and single. She is an expert on martial arts, because she took martial arts over 30 years ago until she injured herself. She is an expert on managing money, even though she’s declared bankruptcy and on disability. She’s an expert on health issues. She is an expert on professionalism, even though she’s been fired from previous jobs because she terrorized her coworkers until they refused to work with her anymore. (Seriously – when I met people she used to work with, the conversation went like this:
“Oh, I hear M is working in your office now.” {person trying to be polite}

“Yes, she’s been there for a few months now.” {Me trying not to say what I’m thinking}
{Person reads what I’m thinking on my face} “I am SO sorry that you have to work with her.”
Yeah, maybe it was unprofessional, but at least it was honest.)

Anyway. I spend a surprising amount of time each day thinking of new and horrible ways for her to die (This week it’s a chemical fire. I know that’s pretty specific, but I don’t want her to just Stop-Drop & Roll out of it, I want her to BURN.) and I feel bad about it. But that makes me wonder if I should feel bad about wanting a suicidal person to die. She’s told me on multiple occasions she still wants to kill herself. (What do you say to that, anyway? That’s super professional. Makes me want to reply that I wish she would and get it over with.) So, in a way, I’m not a murderous psychopath, I just want her to get what she wants. AND TO SHUT THE HELL UP. I have never met anyone who was so BOSSY, even though she technically has less seniority than I do. The thought of killing her and staging a suicide has already occurred to me. Many, many times.

So… what do you think? Am I  a bad person, or just a regular person with a low tolerance for bullshit?

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